Friendship is one of the most wonderful gifts we can give ourselves. I read recently that friendship "in essence, is the life affirming fountain from which we drink". I loved this thought, as I firmly believe friends are the family we pick for ourselves. We search out others for the positivity, fun and laughter they provide us and become best friends with people who make us want to live life to the fullest. It wasn't until life brought me hardship that I realized I had never thought about how I would feel if my friendships changed. Sure, in the past I may have become distant with an acquaintance/friend, but never had my dearest and most meaningful friendships been affected.
Most of us have a close group of people we tell our troubles and excitements to, travel with, watch movies, workout with and just love being around because they are our best friends. The relationships you know and believe will never be changed .... But then one day your world is rocked, you lose a parent, a child, divorce, trauma hits someone you love and you find yourself drowning not because you want to but because you can barely get through a day without crying or feeling discouraged and you are fighting to survive ... and somewhere in the time it takes you to heal and find yourself again -- your friendships have changed, some for better, some for worse.
If you've read my story in a nutshell you know that within a matter of a year my son was born with complications, my father who I was very close to passed away and my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. My world was rocked, and my husband dried more tears than he probably thought he would in a lifetime.
When I look at the honest truth I have to admit, my friendships changed. I have pondered that a lot in the last year as I have had time to grieve many aspects of my life. I have questioned why, how, or when did it happen. The emotions that follow those thoughts are sadness, confusion, relief and in some cases so much joy! Friends I didn't know would be there for me, took a big step and never left my side, while friends I thought would be there took a huge step back and I felt hurt and betrayed.
What does all of that mean? I think it means we are human. Life changes and there are no guarantees or books to tell us how to comfort someone or cope. When Lincoln was going through test after test, appointment after appointment people would comfort me with what felt like the worst words possible. I wanted to scream at them and tell them they didn't understand, instead I would smile and bawl my eyes out later. Same when my father passed -- no words brought any comfort and if one more person told me "God had a plan" or "things happen for a reason" I thought I might lose it, regardless of any validity their statements held. The truth is, they didn't understand, I don't know that I fully understood, so how could they? The majority had no idea the gut wrenching pain, the tears that poured, or the unknown fight of moving forward ... but they were trying.
I don't share these thoughts in pity or with shame, I share because life is hard, it isn't 100 % happy and easy all the time and it's OK to know that someone may relate to you. Not only did my friendships change, but I had to take a hard look at my own life and realize I had changed as well. I shut people out that didn't get me anymore, and found comfort in strangers who'd been through similar circumstances. I had become hardened, yet at the same time was more sympathetic than I had ever been!
These last few months have been earth shattering for me! I feel strong and alive again, with a fire in my soul I can hardly contain. A resolve to give raw emotion to the people I hold dear. I will always grieve my losses but I am choosing to rise above the chaos because life will always have ups and downs, and it's a choice to keep going. I have learned that blame is a losing game, especially in friendship. In the last two years through multiple experiences, I see that it is human nature to be there for other people in the way we ourselves feel comforted. And sometimes this isn't what other people need, even our closest friends.
In closing, I borrowed these words from Jamie Bergeron-Beamon, “Take what you need, give what you can, and forgive the rest.” The beauty of friendship ~~ is that if it is worth it and real, it will survive. Embrace the change ~ with a friendship lost, you may meet someone else who is amazing. Embrace the loss ~ maybe a friend was only meant to be part of your past, celebrate your memories for what they will always mean to you and move on. Embrace the fight ~ no friendship is perfect, fight for it if it feels right, walk away if it doesn't. As we grow, we don't always take everyone on the journey with us, but that doesn't mean we can't miss them, miss what we had or change it.
My encouragement to those going through hard times, take one day at a time, one breathe at a time if you have to, and don't rush the process. Forgive others, because they do care. You WILL survive, and in fact I believe you will THRIVE again. To the friends of those people struggling ... be patient, compassionate and kind, for when your dearest friend rises again they will look for you ~ and spoken from experience they will need you.